Where have you gone? You have no idea how excitedly I was waiting for You and you abandoned me without a word! End of last year, I was impatiently counting the days till the day of your advent. Till others were waiting for the festive period and Christmas, I was waiting for You. Just for You! I know, I know! I should focus on the PRESENT and enjoy the moment instead of keeping my gaze on the future, but have you ever tried to explain to a kid to forget the Christmas presents under the Christmas tree and just focus on the vibe of the holiday? That’s how I felt and for me You were the Christmas present. Your friend, December was not very amiable with me and I had the feeling that from You I can expect something new, something more generous. Deep inside I felt that with your arrival change and many new plans and experiences will land in my life. Then you appeared, showed your frosty face and before I could even realize your presence, you left as an unexpected visitor who does not intend to be obtrusive. Tell me how could You do that with me?? I am desperately looking for You, but I can only catch a glimpse of your silhouette fading into the past and I feel you are wisely smiling at me.
Please wait! Let me explain it to You! If I think further it was my ‘fault’ that I missed your arrival. But I can see my mistake only now. You were here, but I was not present with a full heart. Although I was waiting for you so much, I did not devote enough time to You. My mind continuously was wondering somewhere else. I rushed through the first month of the New Year. From one day to another without a stop and rest, I tried to push through and control everything with force. When I was not physically rushing after the bus or the tube, my thoughts were racing from point A to B and then to another one thousand check-in points. I was constantly thinking what I ‘should’ do instead of what I was doing. With the entry of the New Year, I had an urge in myself to act and do. I planned to change/reorganise/search and figure out everything in one day. I guess you know how this plan ended…
Although until now, I was very proud of my punctuality, in January despite the rush I could manage to be late from everywhere. And then came the signs! I just laughed when on my way to work a van crossed my way with a sign on its side ’Slow Down’! Then in the shop, a girl sat down wearing a bag with a ‘Slow Down’ tag on it. Ok. I agree with You. We can still call these signs as coincidences, but couple days later my body intervened and forced me to slow down.
We tend to forget what a treasure we have with our health and how amazingly complex and smart our body is. We can easily manage to suppress the voice of our heart and soul, but our body ensures not to ignore for an indefinite time what and how we really feel. I also had thoughts to relax, but I quickly convinced myself that the relaxation can wait as ‘I had to go’. Then next day I barely could crawl out of my bed because my neck and my back stiffened. My body forced me to slow down.
Looking back… even this crazy, rushing start of the year has taught me some lessons. Lessons about BALANCE and GRACE! Why? First of all, I started thinking of my body with more grace, because my body is my guard: it warns me, it protects me not to make more harm and because even if I try really hard, I can not trick it. Secondly, I also started to appreciate more my health that sometimes I take for granted. Moreover, to extend the feeling of grace further, this overstrained state led me to situations, conversations and people that surprised me and enriched my life. I realized how many amazing people have been surrounding me and I am deeply grateful for them!
And BALANCE. One of the lessons that keeps revolving in my life. In the last month, the arm of the scale tilted towards rushing and I have been looking for the balance between relaxation and rushing-doing. I had to realize, constantly doing something does not equal moving forward. Moreover, a nice stroll in the park refreshes my mind and I fulfil my tasks even more effectively after a little rest. So as I used to learn to drive, I am learning to tap the break again. Or maybe not to tap the break, but to take my foot off the gas. Hmm… Maybe it was not a coincidence that earning my Californian driving licence took a little bit more time than I expected because I failed couple times on the driving tests due to not completely stopping just slowing down by the Stop signs?! J
Dear January! Thank you for your visit and the lessons you taught me. See you next year!