The bar is still quiet. Although most of the people are still impatiently waiting in the office for the clock to strike the end of work, couple people have already decided to shorten their working hours. It is just another usual Friday evening. Holding beer or a glass of wine in their hands they are chatting by the counter or the luckier – who could grab a seat – are resting their feet in high heels and discussing how they spent their working day in the office.I am quietly observing them.
The first glasses of wine help them to find their tongue with ease and they slowly shove off from the more superficial, general topics and working place gossips and they slip into more sincere and wholehearted conversations. While I am waiting for my boyfriend to arrive, I am sipping my wine next to two girls and I am listening their conversation. I know! I know! It is bad manners to eavesdrop, but I love when we, women make up theories. In my opinion it is very interesting to ‘peek into somebody else’s head or thoughts’.
– …What do you mean? – asks the girl standing behind me dressed into a pretty suit.
– What do you mean what I mean? Do not you understand? I figured out why I do not have a partner!
– Wow! Tell me! My curiosity is killing me. Why you are single? Oh wait! Since when have you not been in a relationship? I see the muscles of the other girl’s face twitching as somebody would hit her with a whip. I see her counting.
– That’s indifferent now.
– Ok! Ok I understand. Keep going. So why are you single?
– So I do not have a boyfriend, because men do not like unique women, unique women with unique personality.
Hearing this conversation and the last comment I almost spit my wine back into my glass. (Keyword: ALMOST). Somehow I could keep it back, but I could restore my breathing only with loud hacks. Thank god that the two girls do not seem to care at all about my not so quiet agony. Suddenly stream of questions inundates my mind after I can think again. What?? You want to tell me (ok not to me, but to your friend) that you do not have a boyfriend because you have a unique personality? Wait! Wait! Wait! Let’s play this tape again.
Too unique? What does it mean ‘too’ and ‘unique’? Who decides who and what is unique and too unique and who belongs to the ‘group of average’? Because the girl continues her monologue:
-… I would like to belong to the group of average people!
So do I understand well that you would like to be somebody who you are not to be because you believe that your Prince would find you that way? Hmmm? It is only me who thinks that something does not square with this comment? It is just me who thinks ‘too uniquely’ that maybe the real reason – why the girl does not have a boyfriend – is not because of her ‘too uniqueness’?
As I carry on eavesdropping – I am sorry, but my curiosity defeats my good breeding – the two girls are sipping their second glasses of wine and they are spinning the thread of their conversation further.
– I would like to be as grey as a mouse, because my personality isolates me.
– I understand you – nods the other girl with sympathy.
I DO NOT understand. Definitely not! I am asking the question under my breath: Do you really think that it is your personality that isolates you? Have you ever had a thought that it is YOU, who exiles yourself to your Ivory Tower? Is it not just another theory we, women love to create so much to hide the reality?
As a little by-pass I typed the phrase of ’normal man’ into Google. The result made me think even further. ‘Normal men! Where are you hiding?’ ‘Where can I find a normal man?’ ‘Why women say that normal men do not exist?’ Forum topics like the above mentioned give majority of the first results. Does the situation really give grounds for complaint? Where the real causes of the problem are rooted?
I have to admit that I am not so good at ‘let’s-gossip-about-men-and-create-different-theories’ kind of conversations. I usually try to seek and find solutions in a very rational way. If something does not seem to work, my first question is ‘Why’? And usually I start to dig immediately deeper and deeper in the ‘why-spiral’ till I do not discover an answer or figure out a satisfying solution. I believe that complaining does not lead anywhere. I love how Einstein phrased it:
‘We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.’
So if we want to get hang of something we need to shift our mindset. Please do not misunderstand me! I CAN listen. But I cannot bear when we run the same circles again and again. After a certain time a strong feeling overpowers me and I would like to shake the person who is complaining. Of course I talk about my friends and relatives not about random strangers on the streets. But especially in the last couple years I realized that most of the people cannot handle this, because they rather keep going with complaining than do something to step out from their trapped situation.
Suddenly the picture of a night in Budapest 2 years ago floats in my mind. A very good friend of mine invited me to spend couple hours in her friend’s flat before we headed into a party. As we were sitting in the room I was the witness of another conversation when three girls tried to console the fourth, who struggled with love grief. Sitting there quietly I tried my best with a sympathetic facial expression, but when the girl continued with my favorite sentence ‘But I love him and I know he…’ my ears shut down as they would cut me off from the outside world hermetically during a nuclear explosion. I chose not to say anything. I kept my opinion for myself and I screamed again the question just for myself: How can you love somebody if you cannot even love yourself enough to step out from a poisoning relationship? So I just nodded with empathy and I struggled quietly inside that I had to hear the same old story again. Only the scene and people changed.
True. I have to agree. It is much easier to create different theories than turn inside and check ourselves without any filter. It is easier than ask the question honestly that maybe there is something with US or in US?! I have to agree that is easier to choose the way we already know and scolding the men/women how lazy/faithless/hopeless losers they are rather than ask the question ‘Why’? Why we attract disloyal/married/childish/dependent adults? Or why people keep a distance from us? Or why we are in love head-to-toe for 3 weeks and after 3 weeks we start to look for the next Pink love? Please feel free to substitute the one you like or the truest for your life! And when you start asking ‘Why’ do not give up by the first answer that ‘I have never been lucky!’; ‘I do not know where to meet people!’; My mom attracted the same type of guys too!’ or ‘Men do not like unique women!’ These are again just the theories which can easily distract us from discovering the real causes. How easy is to sprinkle glitters in our eyes!? We do not even realize and we have become the slaves of our theories. The invisible chain rattles on our feet and we do not understand why we do not get what we have imagined. Till when? Till when you choose to lie for yourself? Till you decide to choose the freedom and spirit to look inside without filters. Really? It will hurt. Most probably yes! And it takes time to discover what you have buried in yourself. But it is worth. It takes time to realize the patterns you follow and recreate. A very good friend of mine once warned me that LIFE/Universe/Destiny (call it as you wish) tries to teach us something three times. If you have not learnt your lesson for the first two times usually the third one is really painful. If you are brave enough to go a little bit closer to yourself and start to see the correspondences, similarities in the events, happenings, relationships in your life you are one step closer to the solutions and to learn the lessons your life would like to teach you.
– Oh. Hello! Finally I found you. I had been looking for you everywhere. P.’s sudden appearance brings me back into reality. I wonder how many minutes I spent with my thoughts? I did not realize, but the two girls left and they continue the night in another bar.
– Hey! I am glad to see you. Let’s go somewhere else!
– Sure! Where would you like to eat?
Photo by The UnknownBeing