What did I learn from my favourite shoe? Yes! I did not mistype the question: from my shoe. You will laugh. So did I.
Last June I topped off my Barcelona trip with purchasing a beautiful Desigual dress. When the weather of London was cooperative enough and propitious to me I decided to wear my new purchase. As I was standing in front of the mirror I thought my favourite open toe black heels would be a perfect match for my dress. That morning as I was walking towards the tube station I felt pretty. It was a great start of the morning. Steps after steps … and then I felt that I did not land on my foot as before. From the ‘Ouch’ comment of the man walking behind me I could quickly draw the conclusion that something happened, but I did not see what he saw. And yes! The nightmare of many women came true in that moment when the heel of my favourite shoe broke out. For a moment I did not know if I would like to cry or laugh. As I saw myself from outside standing there like a flamingo I chose to laugh. I was already late from work so I quickly ruled out the option of skipping or limping home on one foot. In a split second I realized that I had my gym bag on my back with the most comfortable ‘Just do it®’ trainer in it. Quietly I apologized to the dress as I quickly slipped into my trainers – I think in that moment a little piece of my heart broke – but the necessity overrode the fashion rules. Moreover in London you can see people every day dressed up in elegant suits or dresses combined with a trainer, so I perfectly fitted in with my new outfit. Couple days later I brought the pair of shoes to the shoemaker who could manage to glue it, but the shoe was never like before.
Like trust. That broken heel reminded me of trust. I loved that shoe. It followed me everywhere. I purchased many years ago in Hungary, but it moved with me into California and followed me when I started a new chapter of my life here in London. We earned many memories together. How many nights we danced together! But when I really relied on it, it cheated me. It broke something deep inside me and although we tried to ‘glue’ our relationship we could not manage to restore the lost trust. Although the shoemaker could fix the heel I knew that the breach would never fade. And I could not trust anymore. As I was pondering more about the little accident I realized that the same breach happened with some of my relationships. Especially in the last three years. Some people just broke something in me. No! They misunderstand, I am not angry. I just cannot have a chat with them like I had before. Once I invited and let them in into my ‘castle’, but they took advantage of the invitation and – although they have not realized it – they waded into my soul. As once my London-based friend E. phrased it in a bit vulgar way ‘They pooped into my sacred box’. So after the spring-cleaning I open the gates a bit more cautiously.
But why I decided to write a blog post about a shoe? Because today, I learnt something else from that shoe. The beginning of the story spookily brings back the memories of the above depicted accident. I was walking to the tube station on my way to work. I stepped one and now the right heel broke. (Yes. I am talking about the same pair of shoes. I know!!! I could not toss them away. I just COULD NOT). Thank god I planned a gym session for that day too, so my gym bag again saved my morning and my journey. Trainers on and now I could genuinely laugh at myself. As I continued my way in a more comfortable shoe, I was wondering what that shoe would like to teach me. What should I notice? Because there must be a reason for breaking my heels two times. With the last occasion I analysed enough the question of trust, so what the lesson is kept for this time?
And then the little light bulb turned on. Of course! How I could not see it?? Insistence. I mean insistence on something that long time ago I should let go. Clinging on something that does not serve me anymore. My favourite shoe lectured me two times. Firstly it taught about trust and today it made me think about insistence. Of course I felt after the first accident that I should say goodbye to the shoe and toss it away. But I could not let it go. I flattered myself that it happened only once and we both learnt from the lesson and it would never cheat me again. But it did it again. It did it again to show me that I should not insist on. It did it to show me to listen to my inner voice when it whispers ‘let it go’. But why? Why we insist so badly? Why we cannot easily say goodbye? What we are afraid of? I had these questions on my brain when in front of the next dust-bin I said goodbye to my shoe which followed me as loyal partner for years. I rendered thanks for the lessons with a smile. And now I am ready for something new…