I received a feedback from somebody who read my blog for the first time. She feels that some of the blog posts give the impression of incompletion. Incompletion? Hmm… I have to agree. Please let me explain why.
The idea of setting up a blog came from an intention to share what happened with me since I squeezed my life and everything I thought to be important into a 23-kilogram luggage. (Let me tell you: 23 kilograms is far from enough. I felt that I had to squeeze a hippo into a tiny party bag). I wanted to share my experiences and my stories that even my closest friends did not know about me and those years. According to a good friend of mine sometimes I am like a shut book. So slowly through the blog I started to open up the book of my life and I have made some pages visible for everybody. But since I started to post I have written about everything else but California. When I visited Budapest last year at the end of October I had a chance to find my former diaries. The first note dates back to October 2011. In most of the cases I do not like to reread my former diaries. I mainly use them only to jot down my current feelings and clear my mind. But reading the first journal brought back memories. A totally different person said hi to me from those journals although the ink on the pages dried only three and a half years ago.
Three and a half years ago I felt that somebody pulled out the carpet under me and I tried to navigate in the ocean of my life without a compass. Like I would play blind man’s bluff, but I was standing by myself in the middle of the circle blindfolded and I did not get any directions of where to go. I felt that I was sitting on an emotional roller coaster, but I did not know when the round would end. (I have to tell you I love roller coasters, but only the highest, the scariest and the most extreme ones). Reading those diaries I could see that I was suffocating with full of anger. I shifted the blame on everybody for my life I felt I was trapped in. I blamed my parents, my job and the whole world, except myself. I felt that I trod in the tepid slob, but my legs started to give up. Why my manager did not want to see my skills and capabilities? Why I could not feel complete in my own skin? Why I did not have a balanced relationship? Why? Why? Why? I starved for change. I needed to escape from my friends, my family and my well-known environment to question everything and to question myself.
So I stretched my comfort zone and California gave the best opportunity to make this step. I tried to find my answers for questions like ‘What is the real meaning of my life?’, ‘Why I was following different behavioral patterns or simply who really I am?’ I also tried to heal memories of the past that left a bitter taste in my mouth (such as that I was bullied in the elementary school and I could not speak about that experience for 15 years without bursting into tears).
But I fell into my own trap. I chased myself into the illusion that if I could find an answer and I could unlock a gate in me everything would fall into the right place and I was done. Done forever. But as soon as an AHA-moment hit me, another question arose and another answer found me, followed by another question… When this loop will come to an end??? And the next AHA-moment gave me the answer: NEVER! This is called: LIFE. I had to come to the realization that as Socrates said ‘I know that I know nothing’. There always will be further or deeper. Like when you start to peel the scales of an onion. Layer by layer or piece by piece. Instead of a circle I started to see life as spiral running upwards. I learnt that we all got life tasks waiting for us to realize and discover them. As we would play a computer game: as soon as we can figure out a solution or we can overcome a life challenge we can step to the next level using our new knowledge and wisdom.
But till we do not realize that we have to change, because something is not working in our life or we should maybe let something to go, we will get back the same task over and over again. Maybe the scenes and the people change, but the task will appear and stand in front of us again and again. So we cannot escape. And we will get it back in a more and more painful (mentally, emotionally and physically) way just to realize that we have something in our life we have to deal with. Have you ever thought about why ‘receive’ the same type of partners in our life with whom we always break up because after a time we realize that this is not what we are looking for? Or why quit from the jobs we thought would embody our dream jobs for the rest of our life? But I just highlighted two examples from the endless list. This is the ‘find-the-patterns-in-your-life game’. Let me quote Albert Einstein, who said that ‘ Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ So why we expect different outcomes if we do not intend to change? We can bang our head into the same wall till we fade, but is it worth it?
My blog posts seem to be incomplete like my life. I am alive. I am breathing and constantly learning. Maybe I cannot write about the American experiences because lot of feelings changed in me since I started to write the first journal. In the blog I try to delineate the results of a process. I describe temporary feelings and AHA-moments, but as I jotted them down maybe they had already lost their reasons for existence. Maybe you received a totally different life task. Maybe you have already experienced what I am getting ready for or maybe you have not arrived there yet. Arrive to intend. Intend to change. One thing is for sure: to question, to realize and to think is not forbidden. Moreover! It is compulsory.